Tag: misunderstandings

Bulleted Word Of My Testimony! (19 Year Anniversary!!)

• I survived over 13 years of childhood sexual, physical, emotional abuse and neglect.

• I dissociated in order to survive the abuse and was consumed with hatred and anger towards GOD and men, as well as self-hatred for over 30 years.

• I experienced homosexual feelings for over 30 years and lived as a lesbian for over 15 years (7 of those years as a Christian).

• I used pornography, masturbation, and sexual fantasies as coping mechanisms for many years.

• That all began to change when I fully surrendered my authority to GOD’S Authority on 1 SEP 1995.

• KING YESHUA has used Himself, His Written Word, two Christian therapists, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), CHRIST-Centered Family Reconstruction, Celebrate Recovery (CR), two church families, an Adopted Dad and Mom, three Sponsors, numerous Adopted Brothers and Sisters, and HUNDREDS of people through books and in-person, to enCOURAGE, correct, protect, comfort, direct, exhort, and strengthen me since 1 SEP 1995.

• Because of KING YESHUA’S Great Love, I now live as a FREED woman who understands that PAPA is The Only One Who can give me my TRUE IDENTITY and PURPOSE. He Transformed me – spirit, soul, and body – and has Taught me how to live life in healthy, non-dissociative ways. HOLY SPIRIT literally mended my shattered heart back together and I no longer have homosexual feelings, nor do I have the shame, rage, or self-loathing that were my constant tormentors for decades.

• The life I now live is truly The Abundant Life KING YESHUA Promises in John 10:10 – all because He Patiently waits for me to daily surrender to His Authority in every area of my life. He still asks me the same thing He asked me in 1995, “Are you willing to Trust Me – just for today – no matter what it costs?”

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DEC 1985 – SEP 1995 (the short version)

Dear Readers,

Below is a small portion of KING YESHUA’S Story in my life. It’s short, but it’s about The One Who IS GOOD!!! 🙂

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On MON 23 DEC 1985 around 1000 (10:00 am) I became a born-again Christian. My life was NEW!!! And CLEAN!!! And AWESOME!!! Woohoo!!! 🙂

What I didn’t know was, that in order for my emotional, romantic, sexual feelings to be transformed, I would need to practice being rigorously honest with GOD, myself, and others I trusted. My perception at that time was: If I just give my homosexual feelings to GOD, then He would change them into romantic and sexual feelings for men. Kinda like, “Poof!”

That didn’t work.

In FEB 1988, I started a romantic and sexual relationship with another woman who was struggling against homosexuality. Neither of us were very strong (obviously), and in October of that year I experienced my first suicidal feelings.

In the spring of 1989, I returned to living as a homosexual. Why? Because I could not escape my romantic and sexual feelings for other women — I couldn’t make them go away. And since they hadn’t changed (regardless of how many times I begged GOD to take them away), I decided that He must not want to change them, either. I told JESUS that I could no longer deny He was GOD — but I also told Him that I could no longer deny I was a lesbian.

So, off I went to live my new life as a lesbian Christian in Gainesville, FL. Sure, I had questions like, “Are homosexual thoughts and activity sin?” But mainly I was determined to not feel ashamed of my homosexual feelings. And, I really DID want others to know JESUS and give their life to Him. Really.

In OCT 1990, I and the woman I thought would be my forever life-partner, had a ceremony at the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) in Gainesville. Both of our gay-identified brothers were present and signed the document as our witnesses.

On 11 NOV 1991, my brother passed away due to AIDS. In 1992, my life-partner and I moved to Tallahassee and in the fall of 1993, we started the MCC in the capital city of FL. Everything seemed great. I was kind of like the “temporary pastor” of the church — not preaching, but the out-front leader who taught that GOD blessed committed, monogamous homosexuality.

There was a big problem I kept running into, though — I didn’t know how to talk to folks about their sin problems. You see, since I was teaching that homosexuality was *not* sin, then how could I claim that GOD’S Word called their behaviors sinful? How could I say to them that there was hope for them to repent of  their sins?

I could not.

Not lying. Not stealing. Not gossiping. Not adultery. Not fornication. Not even pedophilia. “Who was I to judge?” That’s what I kept hearing in my head. So, suffice it to say, I didn’t have much “power” in my life and I felt hopeless to do anything about it.

Even in the midst of my hopeless powerlessness, though, I met some phenomenal folks through MCC, but they were not the answer to my sin problem. My rebellion could not be “fixed” by any human. Well, not any natural human, anyway. 😉

It took only a few years before I couldn’t take the depression any longer. (For those of you who haven’t experienced it, it is extremely tormenting to say there is freedom in CHRIST to change, while simultaneously refusing to surrender to Him and His Power in every area of one’s own life. That’s called “making two choices.” I blogged about that earlier.)

Back to the story . . .

I didn’t want to live with this torment any more, but I didn’t know how I could kill myself.

But, GOD . . .

Only because of KING YESHUA’S Great Love, demonstrated through His Word and a few key folks, did my life begin to have hope. TRUE Hope. Hope for freedom from the tormenting lies I believed about both GOD and myself.

Mainly, though, my prayer was a simple, desperate cry to JESUS — “GOD! I just want to be the woman YOU Created me to be!”

So, on 1 SEP 1995, I started “recovery” regarding feelings — all feelings. The first thing my therapist did was send me to PAPA’S Word to find out what He Says about Himself, what He Says about me, and what He Says about me and Him — together.

This time, though, I wasn’t doing it all alone. This time I had both spiritual and physical support through some of KING YESHUA’S people who had a clue how to love me with 100% Strength and 100% Mercy — His Great Love! HalleluYAH! 🙂 Thank You, KING YESHUA!!! 🙂

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That, Precious Readers, is the SHORT version of life for me from 23 DEC 1985 – 1 SEP 1995!

Thanks for reading and PAPA’S Blessings on you and all of yours!!!

In HIS Great Love!

Warrior Princess Melanee Lisa
\/ 🙂

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Celebrating 18 Years In Recovery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)

Dear Readers,

I’m CELEBRATING the fact that 18 years ago (1 SEP 1995), is when trusting PAPA and obeying His Word was finally beginning to be enough for me — no matter what it cost me. HalleluYAH!!! 🙂

In a nutshell, this is what happened:

KING YESHUA gave me such a desperation for Him and Him Alone, that I was finally willing to cling to His Strength (rather than my own), and to face Him as He Truly Is — and myself as I truly was.

This made it possible for me to begin surrendering my homosexual behaviors, feelings, and identity to His Lordship. He also gave me His Tenacity to surrender my gender-identity confusion, self-hatred, secrets, and self-protective walls that I’d had for decades. He provided me with not only Himself and His Word, but also safe, trustworthy people to walk alongside me as I dealt with the damaging effects of over 13 years of childhood sexual, physical, emotional abuse and neglect.

Today, I’m also celebrating what He’s CURRENTLY doing in my life (a.k.a., “hot-off-the-press!”). 😉

PAPA hasn’t ever wanted me to “talk-out-of-fear” (or be “silent-out-of-fear”). Yet, fear has been a life-long destructive habit in my life, but I didn’t truly see it for the harmful problem it was until FEB 2012. He’s changed me a lot regarding fear-based-talking and I still have a LONG ways to go, but that’s okay because He only wants me to live ODAT! (One Day at a Time!) 🙂

I’m also working on obeying Him by writing on a regular basis (ta-daa!) :-), along with basic physical self-care like DAILY healthy nutrition, DAILY strength-training and stretching, DAILY teeth-brushing and flossing. (Yes, I’ve been having some trouble with those DAILY healthy habits!) 😉

And last, but not least, I’m taking “baby-steps” in fully surrendering all of my femininity to Him so He can continue maturing me into the Beautifully Captivating Princess Daughter He Created me to be! YAHOO!!! 🙂

That is the “nutshell” version. I pray what I’ve shared enCOURAGES you to surrender whatever you’re holding onto — whatever it is that is hindering you from fully responding to PAPA’S Great Love for you when He says, “Come to Me, Child, and I will give you My Rest.”

Keep on taking baby-steps towards KING YESHUA, dear Readers! You are worth it! PAPA says so! 🙂

In HIS Great Love!

Melanee Lisa!

One of KING YESHUA’S Beautiful Warrior Princess Daughters!
OORAH!!!  \/  🙂
ALL For PAPA’S Glory!!! 🙂

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Changing Language

Dear PAPA,

I desperately need Your Help to write what You placed on my heart over five years ago & have only recently begun to share with others. Please. Help. And ALL TO YOUR GLORY!!!

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(For the record, please know that the post below is a GREAT SIMPLIFICATION of the complexity of how a person learns to perceive himself or herself as a boy or a girl. This is, after all, only a short blog on suggesting the change of language. Thanks for reading!)

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Dear Readers,

If you live in the United States like I do, then you’ve probably heard that the term Same-Sex Attraction (SSA) is the same thing as homosexual feelings.

I disagree. Wholeheartedly.

But, wait, Melanee! You say you’re spiritually reborn as a Daughter of KING YESHUA and that His Word is infallible—how can you say you disagree? I’m so glad you asked!

Let me start with something seemingly unrelated . . .

I’ve observed that many people prefer shorter ways to say something. I do, too. For example, I would prefer to say, “Small Group Leader” rather than “Small Group Facilitator” anytime I can. Why? It’s three syllables shorter. I’m serious! It’s meaning is often the same, but the number of syllables are different.

That’s one of the reasons why for years I was happy with shortening my name to “Mel.” It was fewer syllables for others to say and fewer letters for me to write. What a great deal!

Until I entered recovery on 1 SEP 1995.

That’s when I began to ask PAPA to show me everything in my life that was NOT in alignment with Him—with His Word. And He has been EXTREMELY Faithful! (He’s like that, ya know!) My name was just one of them.

Since starting recovery, He has shown me MANY ways in which my thoughts, words, beliefs, attitudes, and actions were out of alignment with Him—were incorrect. Some of my habits were easy to let go. Some were not. Some are still kicking my butt when I’m tired or hurting. (True!)

But the one thing that PAPA is really drawing my attention to is the INCORRECT use of the term SSA (same-sex attraction)—as if SSA is the same thing as homosexual feelings.

They are NOT. Homosexual thoughts and behavior are sin. Same-sex attractions are not.

Yes, you read correctly. SSA is not sin.

SEXUALIZED SSA fantasies and actions ARE sin (along with many other sexual sins). But the normal (yes, normal), same-sex attractions that GOD created ALL humans with—they are NOT sin.

The desires/attractions to deeply connect to and identify with our same-sex parent, same-sex authority figures, and later, our same-sex peers are gifts from PAPA that need to be properly nurtured and protected so we can grow into maturity.

Will you read that sentence, again—and slower this time?

In other words, if a person is trying to “get rid of” their GOD-given same-sex attractions, it’s not going to happen. It can’t. GOD made each and every one of us with the need to be intimately connected with others of our same-sex in accordance to His Design as stated in His Word. And He’s NOT going to make “it” go away.

If, though, a person’s GOD-given SSA has become sexualized and/or romanticized and/or emotionally dependent (for whatever reasons, and there are many), then something is NOT in alignment with how PAPA Created men/boys and women/girls to perceive themselves and others who are of the same sex. (FYI: In this post, I’m not going to discuss heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, transsexuality, asexuality, or gender-identity confusion—I’m only discussing the inappropriate language use of SSA.)

Here’s my reason for writing about language:

Since KING YESHUA made it abundantly clear that it is a TERRIBLE thing to place (or be) a stumbling block to others—especially regarding children—then I must write and ask:

Will each of you Dear Readers consider adding a few more syllables to your language?

If you said, “Yes!” then please consider adding these four syllables—sexualized SSA. Or romanticized SSA. Or emotionally dependent SSA. (Okay, I know—that last one is eight syllables, but you get the point . . .)

And will you also consider educating others about the difference? Otherwise, there are young people (and some older folks, too) who will continue to attempt to “get rid of” their GOD-given SSA. And if they don’t learn that they can’t get rid of “it,” then they will, like many others before them, become frustrated, depressed, and possibly suicidal when “it” doesn’t go away.

If what I’ve asked seems ridiculous or unimportant, then please take a moment to read my rationale:

PAPA Created me with:

– SSA (not sexualized SSA — just plain SSA),

– the desire to connect with other girls/women (rather than disconnect from them), and

– the desire to notice how other girls/women lived, looked, behaved, etc., so I could emulate them (rather than reject my own gender).

Until I actually grasped those Truths, I literally worked hard to “get rid of” those desires. And the harder I worked to make “it” go away, the greater my SSA became sexualized. The more my SSA became sexualized, the more I thought (and eventually believed) that I was homosexual.

Eventually, I succumbed to the lie that I was a lesbian. Even after I became a Christian. And I’m just one of thousands of people who have believed the same lie.

I hope that helps to clarify why this is such an important topic to take seriously. And to take action.

In short—SSA is NORMAL (i.e., is supposed to occur). And, is a GOD-given relational gift between members of the same sex (boys amongst boys as brothers and girls amongst girls as sisters).

So—are you with me? Are you ready to start re-educating yourself and others in this important area of language that is in alignment with PAPA and His Word?

I sure hope so! Because all of us are Created in His Image—and using a few more syllables will be worth producing good, healthy fruit in your own life and in others’ lives, as well!

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If you need more examples of the importance of how language can be used to help shape a person’s perception of him/herself, here are a few:

Many boys are insultingly called “sissy” or “girl” or “faggot,” when, according to PAPA’S Word, the boy is a boy who has been gifted artistically. Or, for short, he’s an artistic boy.

The good news is that when a boy is called a boy in a positive manner, is affirmed as a boy Created in GOD’S Image, and is encouraged to be the boy that GOD Created him to be for a long enough period of time by his same-sex parent/authority figures and later his same-sex peers, then guess what? He thinks of himself as a boy made in GOD’S Image. Not inferior/superior to other boys nor superior/inferior to girls.

Many girls are unfortunately called a “tom-boy” when, according to PAPA’S Word, the girl is a girl who has been gifted athletically. Or, for short, she’s an athletic girl.

The good news is that when a girl is called a girl in a positive manner, is affirmed as a girl Created in GOD’S Image, and is encouraged to be the girl that GOD Created her to be for a long enough period of time by her same-sex parent/authority figures and later her same-sex peers, then guess what? She thinks of herself as a girl made in GOD’S Image. Not inferior/superior to other girls nor superior/inferior to boys.

In other words—when a boy feels like he’s “one of the boys” and a girl feels like she’s “one of the girls” for a long enough period of time, then those feelings become beliefs. These beliefs, because they’re in alignment with PAPA’S Word, help a person mature relationally as He Designed. (Maturity will need to be another blog—I’m sticking to just one focus!)

PAPA’S Blessings on each of every one of you, Dear Readers!

In HIS Great Love!

Warrior Princess Melanee!

\/ 🙂

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(For the record, please know that the above post is a GREAT SIMPLIFICATION of the complexity of how a person learns to perceive himself or herself as a boy or a girl. This is, after all, only a short blog on suggesting the change of language. Thanks for reading!)

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Matthew 11:6 “And Blessed Is He Who Is Not Offended Because Of KING JESUS.”

PAPA taught me an extremely important Truth-lesson through Pastor Roshad Thomas from Calvary Chapel Tallahassee a number of years ago. That Truth-lesson became my life verse — Matthew 11:6.

I’ll make this short — go read Matthew 11:6. Then read the context surrounding that one verse.

Then, read (below) how KING JESUS Spoke to me personally (using Pastor Roshad’s words, but translated to fit my personal life):

KING JESUS: “Melanee, can you be okay with suffering from obeying Me? Can you?

“Can you be okay with others misunderstanding you and not defending yourself? Can you?

“Can you be okay with your having sinned against others (or at least hurting them greatly) and then their deciding to separate themselves from you? Can you be okay with that?

“Can you?

“Can you be okay with My being GOD, while simultaneously NOT rescuing you from the fallen earth and it’s fallen people? Can you?”

Me: “Only. By. Your. Strength.” [major loud groan from me to PAPA]

KING JESUS: “Good, Sweeteepie, because blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.” [big hug from PAPA to me]

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